Celebrate Small Victories ~ 2018 Reflection

There are times when we can feel unfulfilled unsatisfied and overly exhausted as if we had accomplished nothing that day, that month and as if another year just slipped by. The other day I had to stop my thought process as I was thinking back on this past year and I thought to myself wow 2 more years to 2020, and then I realized wait a second its going to be 2019. No I did not go through the year thinking it was 2017, but I guess it just takes a while for it to sink in and take it all in and realize  that another year just passed by. 2019 will be here in 32 days. 

So I decided that before I start thinking about next year and all the things I want to accomplish in 2019 that I am going to take a moment and sit and reflect and give myself a pat on the back for all the things that I accomplished this year. 

I believe that stopping to take a moment and reflect and maybe even celebrate all that you have accomplished, learned, and changes made and letting them sink in, not only will it give your confidence a boost, but it will give you the energy and encouragement you need to set those new goals for the coming year. I think it is important that we allow ourselves a breather before moving on to the next task. We are constantly on go go go mode that we forget to breathe. We do and accomplish so much yet we fail to acknowledge and celebrate those victories no matter how big or small. 

I think we live in a culture of hustle and bustle and noise and instant gratification that does not allow space or time to sit and reflect and be present in the moment. We get so caught up living in the future and what ‘needs’ to get done that we miss out on the present moment. Our heads are filled with to do lists and new apps come out every day on how to increase our productivity. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I value being productive, but let's set something straight “we are human beings, not human doings” as Tony Robins puts it.  Now tell me, of those many things that ‘need’ to get done how many of them bring you joy, how many of them will increase your self worth, how many of them will bring honor to yourself your family and God or that higher power? Now you notice I put quotations on the word need, reason being that often times we do what we ‘have or need’ to do versus what is truly important. Of the things that you need to do, how many of those things will matter 5 years from now? How many of those will just consume your energy and just be another check off your list? How many of those things get you to where you want to be and who you want to become?

Now I know what you might be thinking if you are anything like me, Type A personality, a perfectionist, multitasker, things have order, things need to be clean and you are probably thinking of 10 million other things that need to get done while you are doing the things that you already have on your to do list. Your brain does not shut off.  You are probably already thinking of your 2019 resolutions. To that perfectionist, to that anxious person, to that high achiever, I have some words of advice.

I have been reading this book, You’re Loved No Matter What, Freeing your Heart from the Need to be Perfect, by Halley Gert. Now this book has taught me some important lessons on letting go of some of that perfectionism and the need for approval. We get so caught up in everything that we need to do and what hasn’t been done because of our high expectations that we go to bed with such labels in our head such as bad wife, bad friend, bad Christian and we go to bed anxious and exhausted. This book encourages the reader to pursue of a life of excellence not perfection and to seek approval from God  to do the things that should get done rather than the other way around and doing tireless perfectionist work and seeking approval from others.  Now for those of you that are of different faith or atheist, you could connect with your higher power or yourself and ask are the things I need to do are they to get recognition, are they to make myself feel better, do they feed the need for perfection, or will these things add value and joy to those around me, do I freely give of my time and gifts without begrudging the task at hand? So let’s brake down what it means to live a life of excellence. Excellence is doing what you can with what you have where you are as you are. Ultimately what this means is being present, and deliberate with your time, your love your energy and your gifts.  It means cutting yourself some slack, loving yourself, allowing others to help you . Lastly it means taking the time to acknowledge all that you have accomplished, how you have changed in a positive way hopefully, and celebrating those small or big victories. 

What did you accomplish in 2018? If you feel like you didn’t accomplish much think harder little things count, they add up.  If you still don’t feel very accomplished then maybe this can serve as a reflection of how you can be more deliberate and intentional with your time. Choose what is important, think of your values. 

Remember YOU are awesome!

My business is to create

I think that as human beings we take a lot more than we give back. We consume and consume, yet we don't always create or give back and share our talents or gifts with others. I was thinking about this topic and reflecting on how one of my favorite movies, P.S. I love you helps demonstrate this.

The movie would fit in the genre of romance, even though I consider it a romance comedy. This movie can make you laugh, can make you cry and makes you think. Not to mention the scenery is beautiful and it has such a great take away if you let the movie sink in. The array of characters, their personalities and how they grow is also really cool to see. Below is the description from the DVD.

                      "When Gerry (Gerard Butler), the husband of Holly Kennedy (Hilary Swank), dies from an illness, she loses the love of her life. Knowing how hard Holly will take his death, Gerry plans ahead. Beginning on her 30th birthday, she receives the first in a series of letters written by him, designed to ease her grief and encourage her to move forward to a new life. "

So at first glance one might think, "awee what a sweet movie."  Wait! there is sooo much more to this movie. One of the big lessons here is that of creating.

The opening scene in the movie  Gerry and Holly are having a fight, it shows Holly's dissatisfaction with life, their disagreement about having a baby and Holly not feeling prepared because of the small space they are currently living in and not being where she thinks they ought to be in life. Holly however has many many shoes, which is kind of comical, she can afford all those expensive shoes, yet they are not saving money instead for some of the things that she does want, like a bigger place maybe. One can see that Holly is scared, "what if this is all there is to our life," Holly says. One can see that Holly yearns to create to make something to get out all that energy that is just stagnant in her. She wants more out of life. She has many material things, but the things that matter to her are not there, and she is also uncertain of what she wants. I find it easy to relate to this, sometimes one can feel trapped, confined and displeased with life, yet sometimes we do not even know what it is we really want nor are we willing to work for it.

The movie goes on to show as flashback how Holly and Gerry first meet. Holly is on vacation from college and is visiting Ireland. She is dressed in so many colors. She is walking alone and is lost looking for a park not knowing that she has been walking it this whole time. Holly is not concerned though, as she is taking in the scenery the beautiful hills, flowers and colors of the land. She meets Gerry along her path and they start to talk. Gerry asks Holly about what she is studying and Holly says she is an artist. Holly rambles on about art creating, and speaks with passion. Holly goes on to quote William Blake "I will not reason, and compare, my business is to create." That scene is so important and helps tie the movie together. This scene shows Holly care free as her artist self. She is replenishing the well of creativity, she is clearly happy and searching for the inspiration to create.

So the movie progresses, Gerry passes, but before he dies he puts together some letters that are to be delivered to Holly after his death starting on her 30th b-day. These letters help Holly get back on track, pull her out of her depression and they help her find her creative self again. "Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends," Gerry writes in one of the letters. Truer words couldn't have been written/ Holly's life will be transformed.

Holly goes on to receive several letters, and slowly she emerges from the depths of her sadness. Holly gets a clue or signal from Gerry's earn/box of ashes which she designed. One of the decoration pieces on the earn falls off next to a shoe. Holly places the  decoration piece on the actual shoe and lets it sit there for a few days.

Holly receives a letter in which Gerry plans a trip for Holly to go back to Ireland with her friends. This trip helps Holly piece things together and brings her some closure and it helps remind her of her artist self and who she is. Once Holly comes back home her creativity starts to flow and she is able to start moving past her husbands death. Holly ends up taking a class on how to make and design shoes. The last letter eventually arrives. It is really cool to see the growth that Holly has as a person and for her to realize how selfish she was being, and to see her creativity be sparked again and to see her as an artist.

I  encourage everyone out there to create, to pick up a pain brush, to cook and make something, dance, or to write a song, do something that gets your creative juices flowing!

Creativity is harnessing universality and making it flow through your eyes- Peter Koestenbaum

P.S. I encourage you to watch "P.S I love you" :)

lessons learned on the job

Yesterday I learned two very important lessons in my job. For those that don't know what I do, I work at a boarding school in bush Alaska. I do many things, but the one challenging thing I do day in and day out is discipline. Discipline entails so much, from being able to communicate with the student to getting them to understand and accept what they have done, to the parent calls, and sometimes even police involvement.

Students come first and I hope that I always do what is best for the student .

Now the two things I realized yesterday are one: decisions should not be made hastily; you should allow room for the possibility of a different outcome to be made if circumstances were to change. Secondly when communicating with parents, you should make sure they know that their kids will be cared for until they are no longer our responsibility. Reflecting on my conversation with particular parents makes me wonder how I was communicating that they thought their child would be kicked out of the dorms and would be out on the street. Yes it is possible that parents might have misconceptions or misunderstand, but one also has to realize exactly what we say, how we say it and consider that each parent might interpret the information we are communicating differently. We must also make sure we are communicating every bit of information necessary to make them understand the situation at hand and why their child might have acted so. 

I don't think I made a hasty decision, in giving a particular student out of school suspension,  but I do feel I acted to quick on that decision. Yes it may have been the right decision per the code of conduct, but these documents serve only as guidelines. Sometimes I think maybe in this situation the correct thing to do, wasn't the “right” thing to do. I have a tendency to second guess myself and I know this is an area in which I have to grow more confident in. As administrators one has to consider so many things before coming to a decision, and we don’t always know all the information or we find more information later on that can change what decision should be made.

I love my job but it is draining sometimes, so much emotional and mental labor goes into it. I pray that God gives me eyes to see what’s true and what is not and that I use sound judgment in all my decisions.

update

So much time has passed since I last posted. Just a brief overview, I moved to Galena Alaska with my husband. I am the hall manager here at GILA, I help with discipline and a slew of other things such as meds, keeping track of students electronics, parent calls, apparel... My husband is a bus driver; he also does a slew of things like mail, driving late bus missers, DJ’s at dances and other things. We live in the residence halls, and get free meals. We have a separate hall for staff. It is pretty nice, we get hot and running water, electricity. We do pay a small amount of rent and about 120$ for internet. We purchase a lot of our food, and other various items online. We spend quite a bit of money up here since everything is so expensive. A bottle of creamer for example costs 8 $. A pack of tortillas is like 10$ . We travel to Fairbanks every once in a while, especially me who accompanies students on medical.

I can say life has been pretty good; I have started to pay off my loan, so that feels good. I paid off my credit cards. Next year we will be living in the community hopefully and have our dog with us.  I am in the process of renewing DACA, my work permit. There is so much that needs to get accomplished this summer. We have to find a place to live, and I would hope we find a place before we leave, but who knows. Then we have to purchase a car and bed and barge it up here. I have to get surgery on my knee. I have to re submit my DACA application. I have to figure out the storage situation. I have to look at homes and possibly consider purchasing one this summer for my mom.

I think this job has made me grow and challenged me in various ways. I know I have become a bit more patient and try not to be reactionary but try and think things out. I feel I can or should be a bit stricter. I felt a change as of late. I have been getting really good rest and I have gotten up and enjoyed my day and done things instead of waking up right before work. I think writing twice a day helps, so does that 10 mg melatonin I’m taking.

It wasn’t as cold up here this winter as it usually gets. There was only several times we dropped to negative 40.

I have acquired a few bush tips for cooking which I feel l might just keep in my cooking if I move back to the lower 48. 

I was re-reading my last post, wow, how much has changed. There is a bit more direction in my life but still so much more to accomplish. For once however I feel confident in myself, in my life, in my relationships but most importantly confident in the Lord.  Good things are in store for me and I am excited about life. 

waiting to become....

Hello, readers, present self and future me. It has been a while since I have posted, I apologize. There has been much that has happened in these last few months including life changing events, or at least you would have thought so. I will get back to this later.

I am writing because I have many feelings going through my body, anger, frustration, boredom, annoyance, disappointment, excitement, pressure, gratitude, and enlightenment. I am not who I want to be. There is so much I want to accomplish, but I feel stagnant, stuck in a rut. Since I was 5 I have been living in the shadow of the “Hide” that could be. It wasn't until November 2012 that I was able to get a state ID, a driver's license, and that I was able to work legally in the U.S. these are life changing events! I worked hard through high school, college and grad school. I obtained my master's degree by climbing what felt like insurmountable challenges, but I did it. I knew that my hard work would pay off in the end, and I still think it will, patience however is a virtue that I need to exercise and one I will have to learn to acquire for the rest of my life. It has been 7 months, I do not have the job I imagined, I don't even have a job. You can imagine what that does to one's self esteem. You would think that someone educated like me would be able to get a job, but either i'm over qualified or under qualified  I have worked some temp jobs here and there, but that sure is not going to pay my bills or my dream and vision of the “Hide” that is meant to be.

I had this picture in my head of what it would be like when I no longer had to live in my own shadow. I would have a job in higher education, I would be able to pay long standing bills, I would be able to come and go. I would be able to help my family out. I would be able to travel. I would be able to change things. Reality however is not what I envisioned. Instead I feel trapped in my head by my own talent, ideas and desire to serve. I feel useless. I feel like i'm going crazy. Maybe I have unreasonable expectations of the world, but then again I'm not always a reasonable person, there is much that reason can't explain.

Something in me needs to change, I can't put my finger on what it is yet, but it is that time. I think that our expectations, our goals, and desires change as we grow and see the world for what it really is. Life is, or should be simple. Great work can be done in random acts of kindness, great work can be done doing menial work, great work can be done in washing some ones feet. Like Moses in the bible, he washed his brothers and nephews feet, we should wash each others feet. I guess the question then is not what type of work do I need to do, but where does God want me to serve? I think my problem and for many of us is the feeling of entitlement. We forget that the best leader is the best servant.

Freedom

Fourth of July =  freedom and independence. 

Fourth of July morning was very peaceful outside. Inside the storms uprooted much of my self independence, and desires to want to control EVERYTHING.I was thinking about how we become slaves to foolishness: vices, jobs, desires, roles, relationships etc. We become slaves to almost anything, yet we do not give ourselves to the one and only who can set us free: God. 

I was also thinking about the term slave, and what constituted one. I asked myself whether one can be a slave and still love the one who has the keys to our shackles . If one relinquishes everything voluntarily, and with love, can one technically be enslaved then?

I think of our relationship with the Lord as one that truly sets us free. We learn to accept the things we cannot change. We learn to live for him and not merely on what we are feeling or how we are doing that day. We start asking questions such as: what is the bigger picture? Shattered dreams are never random, they are always a piece in a larger puzzle- Larry Crabb

It is time to move on, I need to let go of the reigns, and my whole trust in him I bury. New adventures await me.

Salt of the Earth

Happy 2012! I hope we have begun the year with many blessings. I've been away from my writing for too long. Last new years eve I wrote myself a letter addressed to the future. As I read over the letter, I felt a sense of accomplishment, maybe a prayer answered or a sudden burst of joy; the kind of joy you get when you feel the mighty Lords hand on your shoulder. The push of encouragement you get from the beyond. One of the things I hoped to accomplish this last year, was to grow in the Lord. There are several things I have done to bring this about. I have begun to pray during my meals, thanking the Lord more often for the blessings received. I have also said more selfless prayers this year, ones that are more in tune with his divine plan. Lastly, I have started praying before I read his word.

That nudge of encouragement however, calls for more. The blessings are more abundant, but so is the responsibility. We must become beacons of truth. We must not shut our light from the rest of the world, nor should we loose our saltiness.

• You are the salt of the Earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. - Matthew 5:13-16

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What does salt do? It adds flavor to our food, among other things. Similarly, we are the ones who spice up the world, or give it flavor. What this means is that we have the ability to affect the world. Therefore if we are like salt, and we loose our saltiness, then we are of little value to God. We mustn’t blend in with everyone else and become bland. Just as seasoning brings out the best flavor in food, we also must bring out the best in others.

I have read and heard preaching done on these passages before. I have come to understand it in different ways. My first understanding, could not grasp how the Bible could tell us that we must let others see our good deeds, while at the same time it advises doing good quietly, not for others to see, but for the Lord to see. I didn't understand how these two things could both be true at the same time. I didn't understand why we needed to let our good deeds shine. When we shine our light for others, we are not boasting about our good deeds. Letting our light shine for others, simply means that our good can transcend the darkness found in this world. We give aid to those who cannot by themselves see the truth. We can show others what Christ is like. 

And so like salt and light, we must affect others positively, and may we season this world with love and truth. I have come to know the Lord and have begun to understand his word. It is now time for me to grow as a Christian and help others see the light. its time for me to preach! Just kidding, but I do have to learn to share my faith with others. Has any one converted anyone, and if so what are some good pointers for sharing your faith with others?