Hello, readers, present self and future
me. It has been a while since I have posted, I apologize. There has
been much that has happened in these last few months including life
changing events, or at least you would have thought so. I will get
back to this later.
I am writing because I have many
feelings going through my body, anger, frustration, boredom,
annoyance, disappointment, excitement, pressure, gratitude, and
enlightenment. I am not who I want to be. There is so much I want to
accomplish, but I feel stagnant, stuck in a rut. Since I was 5 I have
been living in the shadow of the “Hide” that could be. It wasn't
until November 2012 that I was able to get a state ID, a driver's
license, and that I was able to work legally in the U.S. these are life changing events! I worked
hard through high school, college and grad school. I obtained my
master's degree by climbing what felt like insurmountable challenges,
but I did it. I knew that my hard work would pay off in the end, and
I still think it will, patience however is a virtue that I need to
exercise and one I will have to learn to acquire for the rest of my
life. It has been 7 months, I do not have the job I imagined, I don't
even have a job. You can imagine what that does to one's self esteem.
You would think that someone educated like me would be able to get a
job, but either i'm over qualified or under qualified I have worked
some temp jobs here and there, but that sure is not going to pay my
bills or my dream and vision of the “Hide” that is meant to be.
I had this picture in my head of what
it would be like when I no longer had to live in my own shadow. I
would have a job in higher education, I would be able to pay long
standing bills, I would be able to come and go. I would be able to
help my family out. I would be able to travel. I would be able to
change things. Reality however is not what I envisioned. Instead I
feel trapped in my head by my own talent, ideas and desire to serve.
I feel useless. I feel like i'm going crazy. Maybe I have
unreasonable expectations of the world, but then again I'm not always
a reasonable person, there is much that reason can't explain.
Something in me needs to change, I
can't put my finger on what it is yet, but it is that time. I think
that our expectations, our goals, and desires change as we grow and
see the world for what it really is. Life is, or should be simple.
Great work can be done in random acts of kindness, great work can be
done doing menial work, great work can be done in washing some ones
feet. Like Moses in the bible, he washed his brothers and nephews
feet, we should wash each others feet. I guess the question then is
not what type of work do I need to do, but where does God want me to
serve? I think my problem and for many of us is the feeling of
entitlement. We forget that the best leader is the best servant.
