update

So much time has passed since I last posted. Just a brief overview, I moved to Galena Alaska with my husband. I am the hall manager here at GILA, I help with discipline and a slew of other things such as meds, keeping track of students electronics, parent calls, apparel... My husband is a bus driver; he also does a slew of things like mail, driving late bus missers, DJ’s at dances and other things. We live in the residence halls, and get free meals. We have a separate hall for staff. It is pretty nice, we get hot and running water, electricity. We do pay a small amount of rent and about 120$ for internet. We purchase a lot of our food, and other various items online. We spend quite a bit of money up here since everything is so expensive. A bottle of creamer for example costs 8 $. A pack of tortillas is like 10$ . We travel to Fairbanks every once in a while, especially me who accompanies students on medical.

I can say life has been pretty good; I have started to pay off my loan, so that feels good. I paid off my credit cards. Next year we will be living in the community hopefully and have our dog with us.  I am in the process of renewing DACA, my work permit. There is so much that needs to get accomplished this summer. We have to find a place to live, and I would hope we find a place before we leave, but who knows. Then we have to purchase a car and bed and barge it up here. I have to get surgery on my knee. I have to re submit my DACA application. I have to figure out the storage situation. I have to look at homes and possibly consider purchasing one this summer for my mom.

I think this job has made me grow and challenged me in various ways. I know I have become a bit more patient and try not to be reactionary but try and think things out. I feel I can or should be a bit stricter. I felt a change as of late. I have been getting really good rest and I have gotten up and enjoyed my day and done things instead of waking up right before work. I think writing twice a day helps, so does that 10 mg melatonin I’m taking.

It wasn’t as cold up here this winter as it usually gets. There was only several times we dropped to negative 40.

I have acquired a few bush tips for cooking which I feel l might just keep in my cooking if I move back to the lower 48. 

I was re-reading my last post, wow, how much has changed. There is a bit more direction in my life but still so much more to accomplish. For once however I feel confident in myself, in my life, in my relationships but most importantly confident in the Lord.  Good things are in store for me and I am excited about life. 

waiting to become....

Hello, readers, present self and future me. It has been a while since I have posted, I apologize. There has been much that has happened in these last few months including life changing events, or at least you would have thought so. I will get back to this later.

I am writing because I have many feelings going through my body, anger, frustration, boredom, annoyance, disappointment, excitement, pressure, gratitude, and enlightenment. I am not who I want to be. There is so much I want to accomplish, but I feel stagnant, stuck in a rut. Since I was 5 I have been living in the shadow of the “Hide” that could be. It wasn't until November 2012 that I was able to get a state ID, a driver's license, and that I was able to work legally in the U.S. these are life changing events! I worked hard through high school, college and grad school. I obtained my master's degree by climbing what felt like insurmountable challenges, but I did it. I knew that my hard work would pay off in the end, and I still think it will, patience however is a virtue that I need to exercise and one I will have to learn to acquire for the rest of my life. It has been 7 months, I do not have the job I imagined, I don't even have a job. You can imagine what that does to one's self esteem. You would think that someone educated like me would be able to get a job, but either i'm over qualified or under qualified  I have worked some temp jobs here and there, but that sure is not going to pay my bills or my dream and vision of the “Hide” that is meant to be.

I had this picture in my head of what it would be like when I no longer had to live in my own shadow. I would have a job in higher education, I would be able to pay long standing bills, I would be able to come and go. I would be able to help my family out. I would be able to travel. I would be able to change things. Reality however is not what I envisioned. Instead I feel trapped in my head by my own talent, ideas and desire to serve. I feel useless. I feel like i'm going crazy. Maybe I have unreasonable expectations of the world, but then again I'm not always a reasonable person, there is much that reason can't explain.

Something in me needs to change, I can't put my finger on what it is yet, but it is that time. I think that our expectations, our goals, and desires change as we grow and see the world for what it really is. Life is, or should be simple. Great work can be done in random acts of kindness, great work can be done doing menial work, great work can be done in washing some ones feet. Like Moses in the bible, he washed his brothers and nephews feet, we should wash each others feet. I guess the question then is not what type of work do I need to do, but where does God want me to serve? I think my problem and for many of us is the feeling of entitlement. We forget that the best leader is the best servant.

Freedom

Fourth of July =  freedom and independence. 

Fourth of July morning was very peaceful outside. Inside the storms uprooted much of my self independence, and desires to want to control EVERYTHING.I was thinking about how we become slaves to foolishness: vices, jobs, desires, roles, relationships etc. We become slaves to almost anything, yet we do not give ourselves to the one and only who can set us free: God. 

I was also thinking about the term slave, and what constituted one. I asked myself whether one can be a slave and still love the one who has the keys to our shackles . If one relinquishes everything voluntarily, and with love, can one technically be enslaved then?

I think of our relationship with the Lord as one that truly sets us free. We learn to accept the things we cannot change. We learn to live for him and not merely on what we are feeling or how we are doing that day. We start asking questions such as: what is the bigger picture? Shattered dreams are never random, they are always a piece in a larger puzzle- Larry Crabb

It is time to move on, I need to let go of the reigns, and my whole trust in him I bury. New adventures await me.

Salt of the Earth

Happy 2012! I hope we have begun the year with many blessings. I've been away from my writing for too long. Last new years eve I wrote myself a letter addressed to the future. As I read over the letter, I felt a sense of accomplishment, maybe a prayer answered or a sudden burst of joy; the kind of joy you get when you feel the mighty Lords hand on your shoulder. The push of encouragement you get from the beyond. One of the things I hoped to accomplish this last year, was to grow in the Lord. There are several things I have done to bring this about. I have begun to pray during my meals, thanking the Lord more often for the blessings received. I have also said more selfless prayers this year, ones that are more in tune with his divine plan. Lastly, I have started praying before I read his word.

That nudge of encouragement however, calls for more. The blessings are more abundant, but so is the responsibility. We must become beacons of truth. We must not shut our light from the rest of the world, nor should we loose our saltiness.

• You are the salt of the Earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. - Matthew 5:13-16

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What does salt do? It adds flavor to our food, among other things. Similarly, we are the ones who spice up the world, or give it flavor. What this means is that we have the ability to affect the world. Therefore if we are like salt, and we loose our saltiness, then we are of little value to God. We mustn’t blend in with everyone else and become bland. Just as seasoning brings out the best flavor in food, we also must bring out the best in others.

I have read and heard preaching done on these passages before. I have come to understand it in different ways. My first understanding, could not grasp how the Bible could tell us that we must let others see our good deeds, while at the same time it advises doing good quietly, not for others to see, but for the Lord to see. I didn't understand how these two things could both be true at the same time. I didn't understand why we needed to let our good deeds shine. When we shine our light for others, we are not boasting about our good deeds. Letting our light shine for others, simply means that our good can transcend the darkness found in this world. We give aid to those who cannot by themselves see the truth. We can show others what Christ is like. 

And so like salt and light, we must affect others positively, and may we season this world with love and truth. I have come to know the Lord and have begun to understand his word. It is now time for me to grow as a Christian and help others see the light. its time for me to preach! Just kidding, but I do have to learn to share my faith with others. Has any one converted anyone, and if so what are some good pointers for sharing your faith with others?

Changing the world with banana bread

I have perfected a banana bread recipe. I love making banana bread, it is so moist, yummy, sweet and nutritious. Makes a great snack, or lunch. The browner the bananas are, the yummier it is.

I have been doing a lot of growing these last few days. Or at least I hope so. I have had several realizations. I can now understand why God loves children, it is because of their faith, sometimes they have more faith than adults do.

I saw this movie, and it was just a tear jerker. I cried like 5 times in that movie. Now you see, I don't like to cry, but I sure am good at it. God gave us emotions so we could feel them, but it is when these emotions take control of you that you are trouble. So any way, about this movie, it didn't help that it was based on a true story. The movie is called "Letters to God," I really enjoyed watching this movie, another in the same vein is "The Encounter."

I had been feeling down lately, I am a very impatient person, if one thing I know I have to learn to master is patience. You see I am waiting for something big from God, so I have to make sure my dreams don't die. Sometimes its hard to dream because we are placed in situations that make us think that our dream is not possible any more, or we may feel as if it will take forever to reach our goals. But if we ask for the right things, do God's will, then he will give us our hearts desires.

  God blessed me with a husband with big patience, and a great heart, I love him and am glad to be married to him. But you see, God has blessed me in so many ways, it has made we want to reach out to the world and help heal it from its wounds. Previously I had just been waiting anxiously, and it made me blind to all my other blessings, and answered prayers. So I have prayed for creativity, so that I can recruit people for Jesus. I figured, that while I wait and look forward to more blessings, and to living the purpose the Lord has set for me, I might as well do what I love doing: banana bread. So If you read my blog, and you would like me to send you some of my delicious Banana Bread, please feel free to e-mail me your name and address. Until next time.

Cheers
Wild Flower

Gibberish and random thoughts

What makes us human? Is it the need to be understood, listened to, acknowledged? Is it to have a sense of purpose and accomplishment, curiosity? Does being more than physical matter, something much more that can't be measured, or quantified: soul and spirit, the distinguishing factor that makes us human? Or maybe it is the mere vastness of emotions that a human being can feel. Could it be the complexity of our entire being what qualifies us as human?

To know that no one else can ever know exactly what you are thinking, observe what you are seeing, feel what you are feeling, except yourself, and the holy spirit. But if the Lord lives within us, then technically aren't we the only observers of what is going on? Aren't we all just searching, for a commonality, for a common origin, for something that just IS.

Life is smoother, when we remain in unity, when we stop differentiating, and categorizing and labeling things.

Have you ever gone to that place, the loneliest place ever, you have your hand stretched out to the heavens, and you feel so tiny, no one can see you, hear you, understand you, but you take comfort in the vastness of the sky. In the vastness of IT ALL. You remember, that this too shall pass, for the Earth, and the physical body is but a temporary state, a temporary place, we are just passing by. This feeling, too shall pass, this event, this day, will pass.

One day we will know it all. All our questions, the ones asked and the ones to be asked, will be answered. We will long no more, for we will just BE. We will no longer pass, but we will just BE.

The Human DYSFUNCTION

I don't wish to discredit our advancement in so many areas of life, nonetheless what has brought about this advancement has also caused the perpetuation of the ego. This in turn has brought about much evil; destruction to this Earth, ourselves, animals , other human beings, etc . We have traded personal attention for efficiency. This land we live in is riddled with crime and disease. Surely we have found a cure for many diseases,; we have created antibiotics. We have also created, stronger strands, and other possible diseases, excessive drug use, among many things. We have disrupted the Earth's flow.

I often find myself, living in ways of the past. Surely I live in 2011, but my spirit is in earlier times. I sometimes like doing things the old fashioned way. I like being able to make my own bread, in mixing things by hand. I take joy in planting my own vegetables, in making things from scratch. Its as if trying to remain as pure and as close as we can to rawness. finding the nature in things. I don't want to say that I don't enjoy today's commodities, I do, but I have also taken an appreciation of what used to be good, I have taken an appreciation for the unity of things, and feeling the soul in everything that surrounds us. These feelings have been brought about with, 25 years of living, the many people I have met, and the many books I have read. One such book that has especially made me reflect on these type of idea is A New Earth, awakening to your life's purpose, by Eckhart Tolle. Tolle believes that transcendence of our egos can bring about great personal happiness, and a major ingredient in ending conflict through out of the world. Based on these ideas and inspired by this book, i have written the following poem.

Ego

No you are not one of these or many of these.

Not thoughts of who you are,a description of yourself,

nor a list of abilities, make YOU.

Thoughts, forms, roles, abilities and disabilities,

doctrines, ideologies, political systems, and institutions do not make YOU.

It is merely the ego's claim for power and identity.

It is justification of being right, and a separation from everything that IS.

All the things that you believe to make you who you are,

have no form, no presence.

Having presence can only be had in the present, in the NOW.

War and conflict are caused by the ego's search for power.

In judging others, the ego is glorified, and given applause.

We believe to be right, morally superior, and somehow,

in the right to feel this way.

Only recognition of the ego and self awareness can unite us all.

Feeling the COMMON HUMANITY,

Unity with everything animate and non living,

feeling omnipotence with God.

The cure for this collective human dysfunction, is awareness.

Eliminate those boundaries that the ego creates.

My, mine, attachment and identification with material things, labels, and ideas,

causes separation from others, and a downward spiral,

into perpetuation, and retribution, action and reaction.

It is the rejection of something greater , something inherent in us all

a common humanity.

The ABSOLUTE TRUTH.