Celebrate Small Victories ~ 2018 Reflection

There are times when we can feel unfulfilled unsatisfied and overly exhausted as if we had accomplished nothing that day, that month and as if another year just slipped by. The other day I had to stop my thought process as I was thinking back on this past year and I thought to myself wow 2 more years to 2020, and then I realized wait a second its going to be 2019. No I did not go through the year thinking it was 2017, but I guess it just takes a while for it to sink in and take it all in and realize  that another year just passed by. 2019 will be here in 32 days. 

So I decided that before I start thinking about next year and all the things I want to accomplish in 2019 that I am going to take a moment and sit and reflect and give myself a pat on the back for all the things that I accomplished this year. 

I believe that stopping to take a moment and reflect and maybe even celebrate all that you have accomplished, learned, and changes made and letting them sink in, not only will it give your confidence a boost, but it will give you the energy and encouragement you need to set those new goals for the coming year. I think it is important that we allow ourselves a breather before moving on to the next task. We are constantly on go go go mode that we forget to breathe. We do and accomplish so much yet we fail to acknowledge and celebrate those victories no matter how big or small. 

I think we live in a culture of hustle and bustle and noise and instant gratification that does not allow space or time to sit and reflect and be present in the moment. We get so caught up living in the future and what ‘needs’ to get done that we miss out on the present moment. Our heads are filled with to do lists and new apps come out every day on how to increase our productivity. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I value being productive, but let's set something straight “we are human beings, not human doings” as Tony Robins puts it.  Now tell me, of those many things that ‘need’ to get done how many of them bring you joy, how many of them will increase your self worth, how many of them will bring honor to yourself your family and God or that higher power? Now you notice I put quotations on the word need, reason being that often times we do what we ‘have or need’ to do versus what is truly important. Of the things that you need to do, how many of those things will matter 5 years from now? How many of those will just consume your energy and just be another check off your list? How many of those things get you to where you want to be and who you want to become?

Now I know what you might be thinking if you are anything like me, Type A personality, a perfectionist, multitasker, things have order, things need to be clean and you are probably thinking of 10 million other things that need to get done while you are doing the things that you already have on your to do list. Your brain does not shut off.  You are probably already thinking of your 2019 resolutions. To that perfectionist, to that anxious person, to that high achiever, I have some words of advice.

I have been reading this book, You’re Loved No Matter What, Freeing your Heart from the Need to be Perfect, by Halley Gert. Now this book has taught me some important lessons on letting go of some of that perfectionism and the need for approval. We get so caught up in everything that we need to do and what hasn’t been done because of our high expectations that we go to bed with such labels in our head such as bad wife, bad friend, bad Christian and we go to bed anxious and exhausted. This book encourages the reader to pursue of a life of excellence not perfection and to seek approval from God  to do the things that should get done rather than the other way around and doing tireless perfectionist work and seeking approval from others.  Now for those of you that are of different faith or atheist, you could connect with your higher power or yourself and ask are the things I need to do are they to get recognition, are they to make myself feel better, do they feed the need for perfection, or will these things add value and joy to those around me, do I freely give of my time and gifts without begrudging the task at hand? So let’s brake down what it means to live a life of excellence. Excellence is doing what you can with what you have where you are as you are. Ultimately what this means is being present, and deliberate with your time, your love your energy and your gifts.  It means cutting yourself some slack, loving yourself, allowing others to help you . Lastly it means taking the time to acknowledge all that you have accomplished, how you have changed in a positive way hopefully, and celebrating those small or big victories. 

What did you accomplish in 2018? If you feel like you didn’t accomplish much think harder little things count, they add up.  If you still don’t feel very accomplished then maybe this can serve as a reflection of how you can be more deliberate and intentional with your time. Choose what is important, think of your values. 

Remember YOU are awesome!

My business is to create

I think that as human beings we take a lot more than we give back. We consume and consume, yet we don't always create or give back and share our talents or gifts with others. I was thinking about this topic and reflecting on how one of my favorite movies, P.S. I love you helps demonstrate this.

The movie would fit in the genre of romance, even though I consider it a romance comedy. This movie can make you laugh, can make you cry and makes you think. Not to mention the scenery is beautiful and it has such a great take away if you let the movie sink in. The array of characters, their personalities and how they grow is also really cool to see. Below is the description from the DVD.

                      "When Gerry (Gerard Butler), the husband of Holly Kennedy (Hilary Swank), dies from an illness, she loses the love of her life. Knowing how hard Holly will take his death, Gerry plans ahead. Beginning on her 30th birthday, she receives the first in a series of letters written by him, designed to ease her grief and encourage her to move forward to a new life. "

So at first glance one might think, "awee what a sweet movie."  Wait! there is sooo much more to this movie. One of the big lessons here is that of creating.

The opening scene in the movie  Gerry and Holly are having a fight, it shows Holly's dissatisfaction with life, their disagreement about having a baby and Holly not feeling prepared because of the small space they are currently living in and not being where she thinks they ought to be in life. Holly however has many many shoes, which is kind of comical, she can afford all those expensive shoes, yet they are not saving money instead for some of the things that she does want, like a bigger place maybe. One can see that Holly is scared, "what if this is all there is to our life," Holly says. One can see that Holly yearns to create to make something to get out all that energy that is just stagnant in her. She wants more out of life. She has many material things, but the things that matter to her are not there, and she is also uncertain of what she wants. I find it easy to relate to this, sometimes one can feel trapped, confined and displeased with life, yet sometimes we do not even know what it is we really want nor are we willing to work for it.

The movie goes on to show as flashback how Holly and Gerry first meet. Holly is on vacation from college and is visiting Ireland. She is dressed in so many colors. She is walking alone and is lost looking for a park not knowing that she has been walking it this whole time. Holly is not concerned though, as she is taking in the scenery the beautiful hills, flowers and colors of the land. She meets Gerry along her path and they start to talk. Gerry asks Holly about what she is studying and Holly says she is an artist. Holly rambles on about art creating, and speaks with passion. Holly goes on to quote William Blake "I will not reason, and compare, my business is to create." That scene is so important and helps tie the movie together. This scene shows Holly care free as her artist self. She is replenishing the well of creativity, she is clearly happy and searching for the inspiration to create.

So the movie progresses, Gerry passes, but before he dies he puts together some letters that are to be delivered to Holly after his death starting on her 30th b-day. These letters help Holly get back on track, pull her out of her depression and they help her find her creative self again. "Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends," Gerry writes in one of the letters. Truer words couldn't have been written/ Holly's life will be transformed.

Holly goes on to receive several letters, and slowly she emerges from the depths of her sadness. Holly gets a clue or signal from Gerry's earn/box of ashes which she designed. One of the decoration pieces on the earn falls off next to a shoe. Holly places the  decoration piece on the actual shoe and lets it sit there for a few days.

Holly receives a letter in which Gerry plans a trip for Holly to go back to Ireland with her friends. This trip helps Holly piece things together and brings her some closure and it helps remind her of her artist self and who she is. Once Holly comes back home her creativity starts to flow and she is able to start moving past her husbands death. Holly ends up taking a class on how to make and design shoes. The last letter eventually arrives. It is really cool to see the growth that Holly has as a person and for her to realize how selfish she was being, and to see her creativity be sparked again and to see her as an artist.

I  encourage everyone out there to create, to pick up a pain brush, to cook and make something, dance, or to write a song, do something that gets your creative juices flowing!

Creativity is harnessing universality and making it flow through your eyes- Peter Koestenbaum

P.S. I encourage you to watch "P.S I love you" :)

lessons learned on the job

Yesterday I learned two very important lessons in my job. For those that don't know what I do, I work at a boarding school in bush Alaska. I do many things, but the one challenging thing I do day in and day out is discipline. Discipline entails so much, from being able to communicate with the student to getting them to understand and accept what they have done, to the parent calls, and sometimes even police involvement.

Students come first and I hope that I always do what is best for the student .

Now the two things I realized yesterday are one: decisions should not be made hastily; you should allow room for the possibility of a different outcome to be made if circumstances were to change. Secondly when communicating with parents, you should make sure they know that their kids will be cared for until they are no longer our responsibility. Reflecting on my conversation with particular parents makes me wonder how I was communicating that they thought their child would be kicked out of the dorms and would be out on the street. Yes it is possible that parents might have misconceptions or misunderstand, but one also has to realize exactly what we say, how we say it and consider that each parent might interpret the information we are communicating differently. We must also make sure we are communicating every bit of information necessary to make them understand the situation at hand and why their child might have acted so. 

I don't think I made a hasty decision, in giving a particular student out of school suspension,  but I do feel I acted to quick on that decision. Yes it may have been the right decision per the code of conduct, but these documents serve only as guidelines. Sometimes I think maybe in this situation the correct thing to do, wasn't the “right” thing to do. I have a tendency to second guess myself and I know this is an area in which I have to grow more confident in. As administrators one has to consider so many things before coming to a decision, and we don’t always know all the information or we find more information later on that can change what decision should be made.

I love my job but it is draining sometimes, so much emotional and mental labor goes into it. I pray that God gives me eyes to see what’s true and what is not and that I use sound judgment in all my decisions.

update

So much time has passed since I last posted. Just a brief overview, I moved to Galena Alaska with my husband. I am the hall manager here at GILA, I help with discipline and a slew of other things such as meds, keeping track of students electronics, parent calls, apparel... My husband is a bus driver; he also does a slew of things like mail, driving late bus missers, DJ’s at dances and other things. We live in the residence halls, and get free meals. We have a separate hall for staff. It is pretty nice, we get hot and running water, electricity. We do pay a small amount of rent and about 120$ for internet. We purchase a lot of our food, and other various items online. We spend quite a bit of money up here since everything is so expensive. A bottle of creamer for example costs 8 $. A pack of tortillas is like 10$ . We travel to Fairbanks every once in a while, especially me who accompanies students on medical.

I can say life has been pretty good; I have started to pay off my loan, so that feels good. I paid off my credit cards. Next year we will be living in the community hopefully and have our dog with us.  I am in the process of renewing DACA, my work permit. There is so much that needs to get accomplished this summer. We have to find a place to live, and I would hope we find a place before we leave, but who knows. Then we have to purchase a car and bed and barge it up here. I have to get surgery on my knee. I have to re submit my DACA application. I have to figure out the storage situation. I have to look at homes and possibly consider purchasing one this summer for my mom.

I think this job has made me grow and challenged me in various ways. I know I have become a bit more patient and try not to be reactionary but try and think things out. I feel I can or should be a bit stricter. I felt a change as of late. I have been getting really good rest and I have gotten up and enjoyed my day and done things instead of waking up right before work. I think writing twice a day helps, so does that 10 mg melatonin I’m taking.

It wasn’t as cold up here this winter as it usually gets. There was only several times we dropped to negative 40.

I have acquired a few bush tips for cooking which I feel l might just keep in my cooking if I move back to the lower 48. 

I was re-reading my last post, wow, how much has changed. There is a bit more direction in my life but still so much more to accomplish. For once however I feel confident in myself, in my life, in my relationships but most importantly confident in the Lord.  Good things are in store for me and I am excited about life. 

waiting to become....

Hello, readers, present self and future me. It has been a while since I have posted, I apologize. There has been much that has happened in these last few months including life changing events, or at least you would have thought so. I will get back to this later.

I am writing because I have many feelings going through my body, anger, frustration, boredom, annoyance, disappointment, excitement, pressure, gratitude, and enlightenment. I am not who I want to be. There is so much I want to accomplish, but I feel stagnant, stuck in a rut. Since I was 5 I have been living in the shadow of the “Hide” that could be. It wasn't until November 2012 that I was able to get a state ID, a driver's license, and that I was able to work legally in the U.S. these are life changing events! I worked hard through high school, college and grad school. I obtained my master's degree by climbing what felt like insurmountable challenges, but I did it. I knew that my hard work would pay off in the end, and I still think it will, patience however is a virtue that I need to exercise and one I will have to learn to acquire for the rest of my life. It has been 7 months, I do not have the job I imagined, I don't even have a job. You can imagine what that does to one's self esteem. You would think that someone educated like me would be able to get a job, but either i'm over qualified or under qualified  I have worked some temp jobs here and there, but that sure is not going to pay my bills or my dream and vision of the “Hide” that is meant to be.

I had this picture in my head of what it would be like when I no longer had to live in my own shadow. I would have a job in higher education, I would be able to pay long standing bills, I would be able to come and go. I would be able to help my family out. I would be able to travel. I would be able to change things. Reality however is not what I envisioned. Instead I feel trapped in my head by my own talent, ideas and desire to serve. I feel useless. I feel like i'm going crazy. Maybe I have unreasonable expectations of the world, but then again I'm not always a reasonable person, there is much that reason can't explain.

Something in me needs to change, I can't put my finger on what it is yet, but it is that time. I think that our expectations, our goals, and desires change as we grow and see the world for what it really is. Life is, or should be simple. Great work can be done in random acts of kindness, great work can be done doing menial work, great work can be done in washing some ones feet. Like Moses in the bible, he washed his brothers and nephews feet, we should wash each others feet. I guess the question then is not what type of work do I need to do, but where does God want me to serve? I think my problem and for many of us is the feeling of entitlement. We forget that the best leader is the best servant.

Freedom

Fourth of July =  freedom and independence. 

Fourth of July morning was very peaceful outside. Inside the storms uprooted much of my self independence, and desires to want to control EVERYTHING.I was thinking about how we become slaves to foolishness: vices, jobs, desires, roles, relationships etc. We become slaves to almost anything, yet we do not give ourselves to the one and only who can set us free: God. 

I was also thinking about the term slave, and what constituted one. I asked myself whether one can be a slave and still love the one who has the keys to our shackles . If one relinquishes everything voluntarily, and with love, can one technically be enslaved then?

I think of our relationship with the Lord as one that truly sets us free. We learn to accept the things we cannot change. We learn to live for him and not merely on what we are feeling or how we are doing that day. We start asking questions such as: what is the bigger picture? Shattered dreams are never random, they are always a piece in a larger puzzle- Larry Crabb

It is time to move on, I need to let go of the reigns, and my whole trust in him I bury. New adventures await me.

Salt of the Earth

Happy 2012! I hope we have begun the year with many blessings. I've been away from my writing for too long. Last new years eve I wrote myself a letter addressed to the future. As I read over the letter, I felt a sense of accomplishment, maybe a prayer answered or a sudden burst of joy; the kind of joy you get when you feel the mighty Lords hand on your shoulder. The push of encouragement you get from the beyond. One of the things I hoped to accomplish this last year, was to grow in the Lord. There are several things I have done to bring this about. I have begun to pray during my meals, thanking the Lord more often for the blessings received. I have also said more selfless prayers this year, ones that are more in tune with his divine plan. Lastly, I have started praying before I read his word.

That nudge of encouragement however, calls for more. The blessings are more abundant, but so is the responsibility. We must become beacons of truth. We must not shut our light from the rest of the world, nor should we loose our saltiness.

• You are the salt of the Earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. - Matthew 5:13-16

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What does salt do? It adds flavor to our food, among other things. Similarly, we are the ones who spice up the world, or give it flavor. What this means is that we have the ability to affect the world. Therefore if we are like salt, and we loose our saltiness, then we are of little value to God. We mustn’t blend in with everyone else and become bland. Just as seasoning brings out the best flavor in food, we also must bring out the best in others.

I have read and heard preaching done on these passages before. I have come to understand it in different ways. My first understanding, could not grasp how the Bible could tell us that we must let others see our good deeds, while at the same time it advises doing good quietly, not for others to see, but for the Lord to see. I didn't understand how these two things could both be true at the same time. I didn't understand why we needed to let our good deeds shine. When we shine our light for others, we are not boasting about our good deeds. Letting our light shine for others, simply means that our good can transcend the darkness found in this world. We give aid to those who cannot by themselves see the truth. We can show others what Christ is like. 

And so like salt and light, we must affect others positively, and may we season this world with love and truth. I have come to know the Lord and have begun to understand his word. It is now time for me to grow as a Christian and help others see the light. its time for me to preach! Just kidding, but I do have to learn to share my faith with others. Has any one converted anyone, and if so what are some good pointers for sharing your faith with others?

Changing the world with banana bread

I have perfected a banana bread recipe. I love making banana bread, it is so moist, yummy, sweet and nutritious. Makes a great snack, or lunch. The browner the bananas are, the yummier it is.

I have been doing a lot of growing these last few days. Or at least I hope so. I have had several realizations. I can now understand why God loves children, it is because of their faith, sometimes they have more faith than adults do.

I saw this movie, and it was just a tear jerker. I cried like 5 times in that movie. Now you see, I don't like to cry, but I sure am good at it. God gave us emotions so we could feel them, but it is when these emotions take control of you that you are trouble. So any way, about this movie, it didn't help that it was based on a true story. The movie is called "Letters to God," I really enjoyed watching this movie, another in the same vein is "The Encounter."

I had been feeling down lately, I am a very impatient person, if one thing I know I have to learn to master is patience. You see I am waiting for something big from God, so I have to make sure my dreams don't die. Sometimes its hard to dream because we are placed in situations that make us think that our dream is not possible any more, or we may feel as if it will take forever to reach our goals. But if we ask for the right things, do God's will, then he will give us our hearts desires.

  God blessed me with a husband with big patience, and a great heart, I love him and am glad to be married to him. But you see, God has blessed me in so many ways, it has made we want to reach out to the world and help heal it from its wounds. Previously I had just been waiting anxiously, and it made me blind to all my other blessings, and answered prayers. So I have prayed for creativity, so that I can recruit people for Jesus. I figured, that while I wait and look forward to more blessings, and to living the purpose the Lord has set for me, I might as well do what I love doing: banana bread. So If you read my blog, and you would like me to send you some of my delicious Banana Bread, please feel free to e-mail me your name and address. Until next time.

Cheers
Wild Flower

Gibberish and random thoughts

What makes us human? Is it the need to be understood, listened to, acknowledged? Is it to have a sense of purpose and accomplishment, curiosity? Does being more than physical matter, something much more that can't be measured, or quantified: soul and spirit, the distinguishing factor that makes us human? Or maybe it is the mere vastness of emotions that a human being can feel. Could it be the complexity of our entire being what qualifies us as human?

To know that no one else can ever know exactly what you are thinking, observe what you are seeing, feel what you are feeling, except yourself, and the holy spirit. But if the Lord lives within us, then technically aren't we the only observers of what is going on? Aren't we all just searching, for a commonality, for a common origin, for something that just IS.

Life is smoother, when we remain in unity, when we stop differentiating, and categorizing and labeling things.

Have you ever gone to that place, the loneliest place ever, you have your hand stretched out to the heavens, and you feel so tiny, no one can see you, hear you, understand you, but you take comfort in the vastness of the sky. In the vastness of IT ALL. You remember, that this too shall pass, for the Earth, and the physical body is but a temporary state, a temporary place, we are just passing by. This feeling, too shall pass, this event, this day, will pass.

One day we will know it all. All our questions, the ones asked and the ones to be asked, will be answered. We will long no more, for we will just BE. We will no longer pass, but we will just BE.

The Human DYSFUNCTION

I don't wish to discredit our advancement in so many areas of life, nonetheless what has brought about this advancement has also caused the perpetuation of the ego. This in turn has brought about much evil; destruction to this Earth, ourselves, animals , other human beings, etc . We have traded personal attention for efficiency. This land we live in is riddled with crime and disease. Surely we have found a cure for many diseases,; we have created antibiotics. We have also created, stronger strands, and other possible diseases, excessive drug use, among many things. We have disrupted the Earth's flow.

I often find myself, living in ways of the past. Surely I live in 2011, but my spirit is in earlier times. I sometimes like doing things the old fashioned way. I like being able to make my own bread, in mixing things by hand. I take joy in planting my own vegetables, in making things from scratch. Its as if trying to remain as pure and as close as we can to rawness. finding the nature in things. I don't want to say that I don't enjoy today's commodities, I do, but I have also taken an appreciation of what used to be good, I have taken an appreciation for the unity of things, and feeling the soul in everything that surrounds us. These feelings have been brought about with, 25 years of living, the many people I have met, and the many books I have read. One such book that has especially made me reflect on these type of idea is A New Earth, awakening to your life's purpose, by Eckhart Tolle. Tolle believes that transcendence of our egos can bring about great personal happiness, and a major ingredient in ending conflict through out of the world. Based on these ideas and inspired by this book, i have written the following poem.

Ego

No you are not one of these or many of these.

Not thoughts of who you are,a description of yourself,

nor a list of abilities, make YOU.

Thoughts, forms, roles, abilities and disabilities,

doctrines, ideologies, political systems, and institutions do not make YOU.

It is merely the ego's claim for power and identity.

It is justification of being right, and a separation from everything that IS.

All the things that you believe to make you who you are,

have no form, no presence.

Having presence can only be had in the present, in the NOW.

War and conflict are caused by the ego's search for power.

In judging others, the ego is glorified, and given applause.

We believe to be right, morally superior, and somehow,

in the right to feel this way.

Only recognition of the ego and self awareness can unite us all.

Feeling the COMMON HUMANITY,

Unity with everything animate and non living,

feeling omnipotence with God.

The cure for this collective human dysfunction, is awareness.

Eliminate those boundaries that the ego creates.

My, mine, attachment and identification with material things, labels, and ideas,

causes separation from others, and a downward spiral,

into perpetuation, and retribution, action and reaction.

It is the rejection of something greater , something inherent in us all

a common humanity.

The ABSOLUTE TRUTH.

giving soul to our everyday work

When we care for our soul we consider all aspects of life, including ordinary, mundane house work. In doing work whether it be at the office, at the home, cooking or doing laundry, taking care of the kids, or giving the dog a bath, they all mount up to the cultivation of ordinary things by nurturing the soul. Jean Hall, and astrologer and therapist from Baltimore lectures on the soul of housework. She believes that if we denigrate the work that is to be done around the house everyday , we lose our attachment to our immediate world. Give housework a place of dignity in your life (Care of the Soul, by Thomas Moore).

We tend to overlook the way that soulfulness can be observed in ordinary housework, and the gifts it provides the soul. We miss out when we do our daily housework without care or contemplation or let others do it for us. In addition it can give us a sense of loneliness or homelessness.

Creativity can take on many forms, in making our homes, raising the children or at work, by fabricating a culture we are all being creative. By giving soul to our work, we see a reflection of ourselves in the world. “The whole point of life is the fabrication of soul. Work is an extension or reflection of yourself. Nicholas Cusa and Coleridge after him describes human creativity as “a participation in the act of God creating the cosmos, we create the micro-cosmos- the human world.” “Not only do we view most work as ordinary, repetitious and democratic, but we also tend to dismiss its creativity.” Bringing soul into our work is not reserved only to the brilliant minds, or who we tend to call the artist.” “In ordinary life creativity means making something for the soul out of every experience.” When we create things we can step back and contemplate our work. We can feel a surge of pride. “Where there is no artfulness about life, there is a weakening of soul.” “The problem with modern manufacturing is not lack of efficiency, but a loss of soul.” For those who are religious, we can worship God by doing the dishes or cleaning or cooking. When I’m not in the mood for cleaning or doing work, I sometimes tell myself, do it as an act of worship and reflect on the Lord. 

I understand that sometimes we tend to confine ourselves into the male/female roles, or the breadwinner and the homemaker. Both men and women participate in both roles, but usually we tend to  dominant in one role. I would recommend however that one person in a relationship should NOT always assume the same role. Both partners should have the opportunity to participate in both roles because we can miss out on opportunities in nurturing the soul and creating art if we always assume the same role.

I understand the feeling of the ordinariness of everyday work especially in the household, we tend to see this kind of work as chores. If you can take a step back however and contemplate the work you do, put some love or creativity into your work, I bet you would lose some of the feeling of that associated with doing work. Rather than seeing it as just work, see it as a way to be creative, as a way to reflect yourself through objects and actions.

The reason why I write about this topic is that I have come to appreciate womanhood and the making of the home. Lately I have been doing a lot of cooking, as I mentioned before I enjoy cooking, and seeing others enjoy my food gives me some pride. Doing laundry, or washing the dishes, gives me a sense of satisfaction. I read in a 1892 everyday cook book, that no woman should be getting married if they do not know how to cook. In Spanish there is a similar saying women will often say to younger women, “oh you can now get married” after they have cooked a nice big meal. In that same book I also read that unselfish mothers or wives make selfish partners or children. It is important that we also give ourselves some time, the we also treat ourselves to good things. A mother for example may go on wearing the same old dress just so she can buy her daughter a new dress. That is fine, however , we should reserve some selfishness.

  Sometimes I do not like being a woman, having to go through a period every month, and then the idea of bearing children, its all very painful, but with it also brings great joy. Having the ability to create life, and being able to carry life in the womb, just reminds me of the strength of woman, and the gifts that God gave us. I am developing my creativity as a woman, taking part in activities such as cooking, baking, sewing, doing laundry, doing dishes, painting among many things. I remember growing up as a child and my mom always made me grocery shop with her, always had me help her with dinner. As an adult I can now appreciate all these things she made me do, it gives me satisfaction that I can make a home, take care of dinner, or things around the house. I try not to see these things as just work, but a medium through which I can express myself. 

 For those of you that don't know, my husband and I moved to Missouri. We are staying with one of his friends, who also happens to be a trucker. In the short amount of time that I have been here, I have come to appreciate the importance of everyday work. His friend's wife's kitchen is like a playroom for a kid. She has so many gadgets and tool and fun machines, that make cooking fun. She has a collection of older gadgets used in the kitchen, she has a great selection of books, that range in anything from cleaning, to cooking, and anything one can imagine a homemaker doing. These books are awesome they give you tips and advice how to take care of the home, and the family, things that books now a days don't really include. Such things include, how to dress, how to remove stains, how to be a lady, how to raise your kids etc. I have learned several things from her, and I have created a bond with a female. I know I have trouble keeping in touch with people, and sometimes I feel distanced from my friends, but when you have roommates, especially of the same sex, it allows you to open up and trust, get advice, and learn. I thankful for the way my mom raised me and all that she taught me. I am thankful for my new friend as well, being away from my parents and family gets to me sometimes, but having someone there to act as a mother, or father figure or just a good friend can help you relieve the feeling of homelessness, and being far away from your family. 

Until I get my immigration situation fixed and can get a professional job, I am going to enjoy being a homemaker, and making the most of my time, for when work and children come along, it makes taking care of things more difficult. I might as well learn to do those daily things, cooking, cleaning, and learn to make it effortless, so that when the job and the children come along, I can overcome the challenge of all those different roles; bringing in money, being a wife, being a mom and taking care of my home. I have come to take pride in the work I do, not only as a woman but as an artist, as a wife and as a student of life, home and the family. The next step is learning the role of the mother, but that wont be for a while now.To all the mothers, homemakers, maids, and people who care for their homes and family may you be blessed.
[sources- Care of the soul by Thomas Moore , The Everyday Cook book by Miss E. Neal copyright year 1892]

No preaching

Before I post any further blogs, I would like to remind my readers of the purpose of my blog. Sometimes I feel a sense of arrogance or even righteousness in what I am expressing, my thoughts ideas or beliefs, this however is not intentional. I apologize for any haughty overtones that may be interpreted in my writing. My message is sometimes presented as an imperative, or even as urging advice. I would ask my readers that in reading my posts they keep their minds open, read with imagination but also with a discerning eye. Sometimes I try to convey more than one thing in my writing, sometimes it is layered. I also noticed that my posts lately have been religion or faith based. I am not here for the purpose of proselytizing, if in my writing it incites one to delve into their religion or Christianity, then good for them. As a Christian I know that we must share the word of the Lord and in a sense be missionaries. I am a growing Christian, and I have much to learn. I am not prepared yet to proselytize. I am here however to share my journey with you as a person who is is cultivating the soul. I post things that are important to me, things that stir me, things I wonder about, things that are beautiful. I try and share my love of learning, and this world with others. Right now this blog is my choice of medium for my art. I would hope that my writing not only helps me reflect on my thoughts and the world, but that it may also give something back to the reader. I realized that I felt a sense of pretense or a feeling as if I was preaching when I started thinking about the things I write about. It is easy to talk the talk but can I walk the walk? I can post my ideas and how I believe things should be approached, my only concern is that I must practice what I proclaim. In a sense I sometimes get scared that one day I may fail when the Lord puts me to the test. This feeling can be understood in reading Job. The reason for my mentioning of Job is that Job, is a person in the Bible, who was blameless and upright in the Lords eye. Job was blessed. Satan however went to the Lord and said, if the Lord were to instill fear in him and take all he has, that he would surely curse God. The Lord then said to Satan, everything is in your hands but do not lay a finger on the man himself. “Naked I cam from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised (Job, 1:20). Job endured yet a second test, the angels and Satan came to God. God spoke to Satan you incited me to ruin him without reason, yet he is still blameless and upright and shuns evil. Satan then replied, “a man will give all he has for his own life. But Stretch out your hand and strike his flesh and bones , and he will surely curse you to your face.” Job 2:4 the Lord then replied to Satan, “very well then he is in your hands, but you must spare his life.” So Satan went on and caused Job all sorts of pain. Still he did not curse the Lord, but the day he was born. Jobs friends tried to reason with him and make him confess his sin. They believed that there had to be reason why he had been such misfortune. They failed to acknowledge that suffering does not always serve the purpose of punishment, and therefore upright people, innocent people too suffer. Where Job did sin however is in his self righteousness, in refusing to accept that harm happens even to good people, and challenging God for doing what he did. God is almighty and powerful. A creation, cannot be more pure than its creator. For reasons unknown to us, for reasons we cannot understand, things are done for a reason, and our comprehension cannot encompass Gods reasoning in his actions. What is to be taken from this then is that I hope that the day I am put to the test, I hope my faith will be strong. That I may remember that I am blessed, because “blessed are the poor in spirit, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to them.... blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness, blessed are the meek, blessed are the merciful (Matthew 5:1-13). So as a reader I only ask of you one thing, to read, reflect, and if anything moves you, whether you agree or disagree, to please share with me your thoughts. I have an appreciation for dialogue, and when people express their ideas or beliefs and back them up with reason, logic, a story or even the heart, it allows us all to learn a bit more about this world. I am not here to preach, even thought I have considered ministry, I am not here to advise you on things; as I said I am on a spiritual journey and taking time to care for the soul, I merely share my thoughts and ideas with the audience for the sake of self refection, dialogue and that if a reader can ever relate, may they find some comfort in my words.

A prayer for a stranger

One question that has been asked by many, and something I still struggle with is the idea of why God lets bad things happen. I wrote a previous blog on this subject, and showed the Tom Honey video. I still don't have a definite answer. One thing I would argue however is that we brought on ourselves all these problems, wars, disease etc. Why is it that we are always quick to look for scapegoat, or find some other reason for our mishaps? It is easier to blame and question God than to take action. What have we done instead to try and fix these world problems, what have you done?

Selfishness in my view is the reason for many of our problems. The other day while watching “The Stoning of Sorya,” I began to think. It isn't fair, that some people are born to certain families, culture and religion. Some may even argue that those people are at fault because they are not believers of Christ, and for those that think Christianity is the “right” religion may be quick to respond, that they are practicing the wrong religion. But honestly lets ask ourselves, what about those that don't have the opportunity to hear about Jesus, what about those that have no choice but to be enslaved to their culture, beliefs, social norms, and religions? I cannot reconcile the fact that those who know the difference between good and bad and are morally strong and who believe in something other greater than themselves, and who are selfless, will go to hell.

So how do we rid ourselves of all the corruption in the world, all the wrong, pain and suffering. I do not have an immediate solution. I do know however that we can pray. Have you ever tried praying for someone else? Have you ever tried praying for someone you don't know? I don't know about you, but I find it a bit challenging to pray honestly and and unselfishly for others. It is easy to pray for someone we know, we pray for them because not only may it benefit them, but it benefits us. We want to see those we love and care about happy. I would like to challenge you to pray for someone who is not related to you, someone who is not a friend, pray for a complete stranger. Don't just mutter out words and ask for something but truly want and ask for what you think someone may need. For those who are Christians, I challenge you to pray for non believers, to pray that they have the opportunity to hear of Jesus Christ, to pray that we have the strength to share the Lord's word with others, and share his love.

Lord please give us the wisdom, the strength and the love to communicate and share your word and love with others. Give us the opportunity to fix the wrong in this world, to ease the pain. We pray for those that are destitute, those that don't know you, those that don't believe in anything but themselves. Help them look beyond religion, culture, tradition, and may you restore a heart that reaches out to humanity, may their hearts be filled with your love, rather than a mind with the idea that their religion is better than any another religion or that their God is the right God. In the end, we know that you are God almighty, and whether they call you by the name of Allah, the Buddha, Chrishna, vishnu, or Shiva, or any other religious or spiritual figure, I know that you are up their, and for those that believe in right and wrong for those that reach out to their fellow human, even if practicing some other religion other than Christianity they too will be given the opportunity to get to know you Lord, and they too will have a chance for redemption. I refuse to believe that just because a person is a Muslim or any other religion, that he is going to go to hell. If you are a God of love, and fairness, then you will watch over your children. You will guide us and instruct us. Lord there are still good people left on this Earth, please be patient with us. For those of us that know you are up there, I ask you to give us guidance, strength, wisdom, love, and patience to help change this world, Amen.

How were we made in the image of God?

And God said, let us mmake man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth , and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon earth. So God created man in his [own] image, in image of God created he him; male and female, created he them. Genesis 1:26-27 KJV

I was reading the bible yesterday, and a thought came to mind. I wanted to understand how is it that God made us in his image. In what way are we like God. Are we like him, physically? That can't be, he is not made of matter like we are. Could it be intellectually, well he is all knowing, we are not. He is all powerful, we are not. I am trying to understand how is it that We are like God, if we are sinners, and crave knowledge and power that we don't have?

The best answer I can come up with was that we were made in his image in that we have dominion over other animals. We have more knowledge, wisdom, a wider range of emotions, can entertain more than one thought or feeling at a time. Also we serve a specific purpose. So God rules over us, knows more than us, and can entertain all those different feelings, he also has purpose and that is to rule over us.

The other thing to consider is what about the tree of knowledge. We can say, well we were like God, up until the we were tempted and ate from that tree of knowledge. But if we ate from it, we either one did not have the knowledge and craved it, or two we were not strong enough like God to resist temptation, so again, how is it that we were made in his image. I know that maybe this is over-analyzing something, and maybe I'm generalizing too much, but I am just trying to understand, how it is we are like him, and take that and learn, so that we can be better people, better children of God.

If any one has any comments, or ideas, I would love to hear them.

painted smiles

Depression, loneliness, neediness, how we view these is relative. These are feelings that should be embraced, rather than rejected. I am bothered by the fact that our society quickly jumps to try and “fix” what necessarily may not be broken. Our society thinks that it is wrong or that it is bad if you feel sad, depressed, are needy, or take any other quality that we may see as negative. Our view of psychology has become so shallow. We forget that when it comes to matters of the soul and the psyche,there is no quick fix, or band aid to be placed over the wound. Often times there isn't anything to fix. A mere observation of our physical body, its ailments, and observation of our feelings, can give us much insight into what is needed. I have been reading Thomas Moore's, Care of the soul. I would really recommend this book to any one who wishes to care for their body, their soul and their overall well being.

There have been many days when I felt as if I had to paint on a smile everyday, because I could not show my true face, my true feelings, I didn't think it was right to show my sadness. One thing I learned from this book however, is that it is important that we take time to feel these feelings, even the negative ones. We must not cover them up or try to fix them, but spending some time in feeling them, may just be what is needed. A gust of melancholy is good every now and then. These feelings, help us understand how we can care for ourselves. It is ok to feel depressed. The question then is not what can I do to get rid of this depression, rather what is causing this sadness. Take time to analyze your feelings, and take time to feel them. In a similar vein, is the idea of spirituality. For those that believe in God, sometimes its hard to feel his presence, we may feel that he has left us, or may not listen to our prayers. I think it is important to feel this emptiness or loneliness at time, because only when we feel these can we truly feel his presence, and can our faith truly grow. Take Mother Teresa for example, for a big part of her life she struggled with her faith. She felt abandoned by God. Yet we view Mother Teresa as someone who is holy, and have even started the process of sanctification. Some one who dedicated her life to tend to the sick and the destitute, tell me how can one not feel abandoned, hurt and alone, being surrounded by suffering, disease, hunger etc.

Lets embrace what we call negative feelings, we must not forget that there needs to be a balance. We cannot feel happiness unless we know what suffering is.

My mind is like a field of butterflies, I stand there, watch them flutter by, if only I could catch one. So many ideas, thoughts, so many constructions of the imagination, with no way to materialize them, or bring them to life, no way to share them with the world. Sometimes my thoughts feel trapped in a cell I call my head. If I could just somehow artistically bring them forth. There is so much to learn and to discover, so little time. Its overwhelming almost, how much there is yet to discover. I sometimes wish my brain could just absorb everything. Instead I take in book by book, movie by movie, song by song, situation by situation, conversation by conversation, what there is to learn from them. Slowly, painfully, I tread through the great library we call the universe.

My tattoos

I know topics on personal blogs aren't always that interesting, unless you are Charlie Sheen, or Oprah and follow the news and gossip. Today however I am writing a personal blog, that explains my tattoos. I always believed that I would only ever get a tattoo for something that I truly believed or was symbolic to me in some sort of way. Both tattoos were my ideas, the puzzle pieces however were drawn by someone else.

My first tattoo I got was summer of 2008. This tattoo I got at a very difficult time in my life. It is a phrase, which I felt like I lived each day, and even to this day it holds true. Of course this phrase has a double meaning. I also thought that the location, size and simplicity of the tattoo was important. This tattoo is in the middle of my upper back.

During this period in my life I was going through a lot, trying to deal with depression, stress, and a slew of other things. I felt very alone in the world, I felt that I couldn't count on anyone, even my friends and family, I felt like they had left me down. I felt that the only being I had left in this world was God. On the other hand, everything I do have is because of God, which means he embodies it all. So God is all I have. 

My second tattoo I got was late Fall of '09. I actually had class that day, but I felt like the world was crumbling under me. That semester, depression had taken over again. I felt I needed a way to get out all these feelings and some how dissipate this storm with in me, with out hurting myself. I had some thoughts on my next tattoo a few months before. I thought about my feelings, life, and all the pieces that complete my life. I thought to myself, life is pretty much a puzzle. One  whose pieces you must find and assemble.  The first aspect I thought, was that of God. Spirituality has always been a big thing in my life, it is my hope. Today I do call myself a Christian. So not only does the cross represent God or something bigger than me, but it represents the search for my path or what God put me on this earth to do. Love and relationships were another part of the circle of life and something that is important to me. I also wanted to represent my love for this world. A heart would fulfill this idea. The next thing that was important to me is self growth and identity. Finding out who I truly am and giving that to the world, I am the only one of me. I thought of what symbols can represent identity, I thought of finger prints, but those were to small to depict in a tattoo, the next best thing was a hand print, so that would also be included on my tattoo. One thing I have often felt in my life is emptiness, it could be emptiness in relationships, jobs, life in general; it could feel as if there is something missing. I decided to draw two figures, one is a man, who is filled in, and next to him is a woman, who is not filled with color. This represents the fulfillment of that emptiness with in. It also represents man and woman, good and evil, a yin and yang sort of way. The last piece of the puzzle has the icon of a smiley face. Accomplishing or fulfill all those other things represented by the other pieces of the puzzle will lead to the piece that completes the puzzle, the ultimate goal, happiness.

Each piece actually fits perfect with all the other pieces, if they were to be cut out and put together. This tattoo covers most of my forearm.

Left and Right

Negative perceptions of the word left include anarchy, feelings that are out of conscious, bad immoral and dangerous, where as the right is expressed more favorably with reference to what is good, trustworthy, moral and proper. If looked up in the dictionary, synonyms for left handed, according to dictionary.com include: clumsy, awkward, sinister, insincere, and synonyms for right handed include:correct, indispensable, dexter, good, and moral. These associations however are intentional. A Bias towards the right specifically with that to handedness, and how the world makes use of it as a comparison, can be attributed to several things.

In the book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain, Betty Edwards provides us with some insight into how this use of comparison and preference for the right came about. Edwards first comments on different languages and how doubtlessly left and right are so. The Latin word for left is, sinister, meaning bad, whereas the Latin word for right is, dexter meaning dexterity, skill, adroitness. On a side note, I wonder if this is the reason they gave the protagonist in the tv show of the blood spatter analyst the name of Dexter. Dexter one would say kills with skill, preciseness, always planned, yet ironically enough, he follows a specific code, one in which we empathize with him, for trying to right the wrong. Not saying that what he does is right, that's a different topic up for debate. It can be interpreted this way however. French is another language in which the word right is expressed favorably over left. In French, the word for left is: gauche, which means awkward. The French word for right is droit, meaning good, just and proper. In English, the Anglo- Saxon lyft, means weak, worthless, and also meant as a reflection of lack of moral strength. This defamatory use of left, is clearly a reflection of a right handed majority, shunning the difference of those who are left-handed and reinforces the bias for reht meaning right and just (pg 36-37)

Not only through the use of language is this bias or comparison seen. Edwards further comments on how some 19^th century discoveries including that of Jerre Levy, have come to express preference of the hemisphere responsible for language, logic, and responsible for the right side of our body. Jerre Levy, in his studies, found that the left hemisphere (dominates right side of body) is responsible for analyzing, abstraction, counting. It is the hemisphere that marks the time, plans step by step procedures, is responsible for verbalization, and makes use of rationale based on logic. The right hemisphere of the brain is imaginary, things exist only in the minds eye. It is with this hemisphere that we understand metaphors, the hemisphere with which we dream, new combination of ideas is created with the right hemisphere. We understand space and relational ideas and can create a whole; in other words the right side is responsible for the non verbal and global. Given the importance of language to our species, the left hemisphere, which is responsible for the right side of the body, was therefore named the dominant, leading or the major hemisphere of the brain. Let me reiterate here; the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body.

In many cultures, right handedness is practiced. Not only are kids retaught to write with their right hands if expressing left-handedness, but this preference can also be seen even in the way people eat. In some cultures it is proper etiquette to eat with the right hand. Politics is another realm in which the left and right comparison is used. In politics for example, the right wing approves of national power, it is conservative and resist change, left wingers advocate individual autonomy and promote change. Another example is how we shake hands, we use the right hand to shake. The way we express comparison sometimes makes reference to left and right, “on the one hand....., but on the other hand...” is a common expression used in our language.

The following table makes use of this comparison. It shows the parallel ways of knowing. The whole chart can be found on pg 37 in Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain.

intellect	intuition
convergent	divergent
digital	analogic
secondary	primary
abstract	concrete
directed	free
propositional	imaginative
analytical	relational

Further explaining the two hemispheres, Edwards informs us that these two hemispheres work with each other, each doing their part, doing what each is good at, often times however the left hemisphere (the logical and verbal part), will dominate the other half and the other hemisphere follows. It is not necessarily bad that one hemisphere dominates at times, but it is important however that each is allowed to perform the job it was made for, and that one hemisphere not try to do the job of the other, knowingly that the other hemisphere may be better at that specific job. Edwards explains it this way:

“These terms must have been made up by some person's left hemisphere; the left hemisphere calling the right hemisphere bad names, the right brain labeled, pin pointed and buttonholed was with out language of its own to defend itself.” Edwards p 37

As I mentioned in a previous blog, I am trying to teach myself how to draw, and in reading the book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain, I came across the idea of accessing the right side of the brain. In accessing the right side of the brain or the non dominant side of the brain, we can perceive things more globally and in space, allowing us to draw more accurately for better lack of the word. It allows us to truly understand the different dimensions and allows us to make use of the side that is needed for drawing.

Side note:

If we think about it, even to this day there is preference given for the right side. Consider computer labs and other public areas, most of the time they are designed for right handedness. If you go to a computer lab, most likely the mice will be on the right side. It is easier to find right handed items such as scissors, guitars or what have you. Yes it is easier to access some of these items, now a days but those who are left handed, are the ones who have to go out of their way to change the settings of items, or to get an item specifically designed for lefties. Right is seen as the default, or the normal based on the majority of a population being right handed.

Except for the side notes, most of these ideas and information is taken from: The New Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain, by Betty Edwards , 1999

Drawings

An ability that I always wished I had is drawing and painting. I am not good at either one however. I just always considered myself a bad artist and with no talent what soever for art. Anyway, I decided to teach my self to draw, by just trial and error. I picked up a book called Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain, by Betty Edwards hopefully7 I can pick up some pointers, and well just pick it up I guess. I think the way we see an object or the subject to be depicted, really matters. How we see something, really matters to how we draw something. The space relationship must be considered, proportion, shadow, etc. Anyway, here are my first drawings, even if my drawing doesn't get better, I'm sure these drawings will at least get some hahas. 

day 1 of drawings

rEtEnTiOn

Like the wind crying endlessly through the universe, Time carries away the names and the deeds of conquerors and commoners alike. And all that we are, all that remains, is in the memories of those who cared we came this way for a brief moment. ~ Harlan Ellison

What would life be like if we could remember every single event in our life, every single day, every single minute. What would it be like if we could entertain every single thought or idea or image that appears in our vision and our imagination. Would this type of retention be a good thing or a bad thing?

Image found at: http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSvMJ3kPrYfFOWXsArWH-7tIOB_wRG4lQRWqzpAMNrU-T-EImFi&t=1

History is not a burden on the memory but an illumination of the soul. ~ John emerich Edward Adlberg Acton

When it comes to memories, we already selectively choose what we want to remember and repress those memories that haunt us, my guess is that its good that we don't remember everything. I think that if people remembered everything, people would be more inclined to be nice to each other, or it could be that people may hold grudges more often, it can go either way. Memories are such a great thing, they allow us to travel back into time, and relive those magic moments. I think that we can view memory as a defense mechanism. We remember the pain, we remember when we feel good, the love, whats amazing to our taste buds, and anything that moves us. Memory can help keep us safe. We are reminded of times maybe that we may have faced a similar situation, but now we can take a different route, and explore other options. Say you had an experience where you burned yourself while cooking, memories allow us to reflect on these events and allow us to be more cautious. Memory, what a great thing, the ability to place us somewhere, without physically being there. Memory is a mechanism that allows us to make connections with other beings. Sharing experiences and being able to look back, whether memories are good or bad, nonetheless it is a shared moment in time, that will always link you in some sort of sense with those who share in your memory.

Memory is good because it allows us to learn. Memory is a drive that allows us to relive moments in which we felt great, brave, honest, beautiful and so it gives us courage and a feeling of happiness, knowing that if we once achieved a particular thing, if we once felt that happiness, or beauty, then it can be felt again; finding that may be difficult, but knowing that it is possible, can give us great relief.

A man at work, making something which he feels will exist because he is working at it and will it, is exercising the energies of his mind and soul as well as of his body. Memory and imagination help him as he works. ~ William Morris

One thing I enjoy doing is recording, myself or others, just doing ordinary things. It is so cool being able to look back, and see our actions, emotions and ourselves in action.

What about thought and ideas, , what if we could retain every single though we ever have, what if we had some sort of device in our body that kept record of all our thoughts and ideas, and there would be some sort of engine through which we could search our ideas and thoughts. After all, humans are like libraries, full of knowledge, in various subjects, and different parts of life. Our minds are galleries that hold vivid images of people, art, and anything that can be seen with both the human eye and the imagination. 

click to englarge

 Image found at: http://www.austinkleon.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/memories_map_500px.gif